Saturday, August 25, 2007

Why so down?

I am somewhat reluctant to publish this post. I guess I don't want to be judged. The whole idea of starting this blog was to be able to hash out some feelings and ideas and vent a little. So, here goes -

I am feeling very isolated right now. No matter what I do to reach out, I feel shoved into a corner that I cannot get out of. I feel like I could drop off the face of the earth and noone would notice.

I am so tired of running thru the motions every day to have the family rip it all apart so I can repeat the process. I am tired of noone noticing that I worked so hard to make it nice and they don't want to help maintain without being asked, begged or yelled at. I am tired of being the drill master and never the "fun" parent.

I am afraid of rejection too. Afraid of reaching out to befriend others only to find they don't really want me as a friend.

That all said - I know several truths that negate these feelings:

First, that I matter to God and my family. God has given me gifts, talents and abilities that are unique to me. I am important to my family and they would notice if I was gone.

Second, that the enemy, Satan, is on the prowl for those he could devour, and I AM NOT going to give him permission to do that to me! How does a lion devour his prey? He ISOLATES them from the herd before he attacks! I am not a "zebra" who is going to allow herself to be isolated even if the enemy would like me to believe that I already am!

Third, Satan also uses fear as a tool to make us doubt who we are in Christ and to keep us from reaching out to each other. Because together, we are stronger and can make a real difference.

And Lastly, I know lack of sleep with a newborn intensifies all these feelings! My time is wisely spent on my baby and family right now.

So, even though I FEEL like I do. I KNOW it isn't true! That doesn't mean I won't shed a few tears, but I do know that God will dry them all if I go to Him.

1 comment:

Chaos-Jamie said...

I'm sure this is no great comfort to you, but you are one person I've been clinging to these last weeks. I'm sorry if you've felt isolated lately. I have too. But I've thought numerous times, "Mommy4life gets me."

Meet you in the nursing mothers room.

I'll hold my tongue, but I'm having social hour in my heart. ;)